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 To all things new(open first to El Cartographer, then to anyone mentioned)

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The Pittsburgh Mauler
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PostSubject: To all things new(open first to El Cartographer, then to anyone mentioned)   Sun Feb 22, 2009 4:26 pm

Symphony of Destruction plays over the loud speakers as sparks rain down from the Titantron. The Pittsburgh Mauler makes his way down to the ring. He grabs a mic from the roadie and prepares to address the fans.

The Pittsburgh Mauler: "Welcome everyone to a new season of UNWA. I have come out here tonight as the #1 contender to the Hardcore title or whatever Damien Darkness thinks it should be called. Speaking of Damien, it was probably a good thing for him that I beat him all over the ring and shipped him off to Cleveland, otherwise he would have to face one of his underlings and who knows what that would have done to the so called 'Stable'. Maybe he and the 'Stable' can set the Cuyahoga on fire again and sing 'Burn On' by Randy Newman"

Mauler pauses for a moment and then starts to sing.

The Pittsburgh Mauler: "Burn on, big river, burn on..."

Mauler laughs.

The Pittsburgh Mauler: "Now on to the current Hardcore champ, Devestator X. You needn't worry about me beating you all over the ring tonight for the title. Your focus should be on Baba and his rematch clause. I will claim my title shot soon enough."

Mauler pauses and thinks for a moment.

The Pittsburgh Mauler: "If I remember correctly, I promised everyone that I would have a big announcement at the beginning of this season, but first, I would like to finish my interview with El Cartographer that we had a couple of weeks ago where I had to leave early. My big announcement will be made during this interview, so come on down El Cartographer."

Mauler looks at the Titantron and thinks for a second.

The Pittsburgh Mauler: "Map guy, while you're on your way down here, maybe you can answer a question I have and educate the UNWA fans on some map theory. Maybe you can explain what DTED stands for and how it relates to your GPS device."

ooc: Over to you El Cartographer.
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el cartographer
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PostSubject: Re: To all things new(open first to El Cartographer, then to anyone mentioned)   Sun Feb 22, 2009 7:29 pm



El cartographer walks casually down to the ring before sliding into the ring and whipping out a microphone.

El cartographer: "CHAIRS!"

Two men bring out two steel folding chairs and sets them down in the middle of the ring. El cartographer sits in one of them.

El cartographer: "While we've still got something fresh, well, sort of, on our fan's minds, here's a question: How do you feel about your match at the Pay Per View that you won against Damien Darkness?"

El cartographer pauses for a moment.

El cartographer: "I do respect you, beating that puppet-master, and just so you know, DTED stands for"

Suddenly, a screenshot appears on the titantron: It's a wikipedia entry for "DTED". It quickly goes away.

El cartographer: "Uh...er...ah... Yeah, you didn't see that. Um, DTED stands for 'Digital Terrain Elevation Data.'...Yeah, so, what's your answer to my question?"


Last edited by el cartographer on Tue Feb 24, 2009 11:14 pm; edited 1 time in total
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The Pittsburgh Mauler
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PostSubject: Re: To all things new(open first to El Cartographer, then to anyone mentioned)   Sun Feb 22, 2009 7:41 pm

The Pittsburgh Mauler: "I feel really good about my victory over Damien. Remind me later, I have to catch a gator, box it up, and send it to him just because of that swamp comment in his poem. I have proven without a shadow of a doubt that all things Pittsburgh will always defeat anything Cleveland. What other questions do you have for me this evening? I supposed you want to know about my big announcement and why it caused me to shorten my interview with you last time."

Mauler looks at Cartographer.

ooc: Back to you Cartographer
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el cartographer
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PostSubject: Re: To all things new(open first to El Cartographer, then to anyone mentioned)   Sun Feb 22, 2009 7:44 pm

el cartographer double-takes.

El cartographer: "Wait, that big announcement shortened the time last time?..."

El cartographer stares at the Pittsburgh Mauler.

El cartographer: "Whatever... Next question... Now, I don't really care about this, but I'm sure these fans do, am I right?

The fans cheer softly.

El cartographer: "Right, so... What poetry have you been working on lately?"
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The Pittsburgh Mauler
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PostSubject: Re: To all things new(open first to El Cartographer, then to anyone mentioned)   Sun Feb 22, 2009 7:59 pm

The Pittsburgh Mauler: "That's where my big announcement comes into play."

Mauler looks back to the entrance ramp.

The Pittsburgh Mauler: "Come on out Sally."

Mustang Sally starts playing over the loud speakers as a shy looking girl starts making her way down to ringside.

The Pittsburgh Mauler: "Everyone, please give Sally a big warm welcome, she's a little bit shy."

Mauler holds open the ropes and Sally gets into the ring.

The Pittsburgh Mauler: "Sally, why don't you tell them the big announcement."

Sally just glares at the Mauler.

The Pittsburgh Mauler: "Ok, I'll tell them then. Sally is a publisher with a leading book company and a big fan of the UNWA. She was the one holding up the poetry sign last season in the stands. After a couple of meetings, she convinced me that we should put out a book of poetry. We're going to call it 'The Poetry of Wrestling'."

Sally leans over and talks into the mic.

Sally: "Hey, don't give away too much information, otherwise nobody will buy the book."

The Pittsburgh Mauler: "Oh...right, Ok Sally, I won't give away too much info. Anyway, I had to leave our last interview abruptly to go and negotiate this book deal."

ooc: Back to you again Cartographer
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el cartographer
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PostSubject: Re: To all things new(open first to El Cartographer, then to anyone mentioned)   Sun Feb 22, 2009 8:08 pm

There is a pause. El cartographer suddenly stops staring at Sally and shakes his head.

El cartographer: "Bleuerueruergh. What? Oh, yeah... So that's what's been up with you lately! Oh, wait, what's this?"

El cartographer pulls out a brand new cell phone from his pants and opens it.

El cartographer: "What? Oh, yeah, right."

El cartographer puts the cell phone back into his pants.

El cartographer: "I gotta wrap this up... I didn't really have many questions in the first place... But the crowd got want they wanted, you're getting publicity, I'm getting a paycheck, and everyone wants to watch the rest of the show. So everyone is happy, am I right?"

The crowd cheers as the two men grab the chairs and el cartographer stands up.

El cartographer: "So, any last words, Maula?"
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The Pittsburgh Mauler
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PostSubject: Re: To all things new(open first to El Cartographer, then to anyone mentioned)   Sun Feb 22, 2009 8:15 pm

The Pittsburgh Mauler: "Yeah, please buy the book."

Mauler stares at Cartographer.

The Pittsburgh Mauler: "One other thing. Rumor in the back is that you joined Rev. I hope you know what you are getting yourself into. Those guys are only out for themselves. They can't even protect each other's backs as you saw when Timelord got ambushed. Anyway..."

Mauler pauses for a second to think.

The Pittsburgh Mauler: "I think I'll just leave it that. Make sure you study up on your map questions, you never know when I might throw a pop-quiz your way."

Mauler laughs.

ooc: If anyone else wants to chime in, feel free, otherwise I'll close this in a couple of days.
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PostSubject: Re: To all things new(open first to El Cartographer, then to anyone mentioned)   Sun Feb 22, 2009 8:26 pm

El cartographer: "Oh, don't worry, I know what I'm getting into."

El cartographer stretches before continuing.

El cartographer: "I'll just kick back with them, get a few cold ones, and ride with them all the way through the ranks of the UNWA! Bwaha ha ha ha!"

El cartographer goes into a sudden coughing fit. He then wipes his nose with his sleeve.

El cartographer: "Sorry about that."
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Damien Darkness
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PostSubject: Re: To all things new(open first to El Cartographer, then to anyone mentioned)   Sun Feb 22, 2009 8:39 pm

Damien Darkness appears at the top of the entrance ramp and looks at Mauler and Cartographer in the ring.

"What a pair you two make. Cartoon Map Boy, who doesn't know squat about maps and has now decided to join up with those Rev idiots. And Mauler, who gets a book deal with poorly written poetry that can't hold a candle to mine. You two losers deserve each other."

The Lord of Evil laughs his patented maniacal laugh.

"As for the newly minted Title of Evil, I'm not really interested in it anymore. My main goal was to get my hands on the hardcore belt and make it in my image. Now that it's done, I'll set my sights on the Prestige Belt and leave the rest of you girls to chase my Man-Beast and his title."

Damien Darkness looks ready to head towards the back.

"Oh, and one last thing. Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Florida...geography means nothing to me. Cleveland is just the latest hell-hole that I call home, but my heart will always reside in the boiler room of whatever venue the UNWA is in this week."

With that, the Lord of Evil fades into the blackness.
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PostSubject: Re: To all things new(open first to El Cartographer, then to anyone mentioned)   Sun Feb 22, 2009 8:49 pm

Mauler looks at Cartographer and then back at the entrance ramp.

The Pittsburgh Mauler: "Damien Darkness, the last time I saw you, you were tucking tail and running for Cleveland. Your poetry just didn't cut it, I've got the expert here and she wasn't all that impressed. As for your man-beast, if he survives his encounter with Baba tonight, he won't last as the title holder as I will personally send him to your hole after I use him to mop up the ring."
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PostSubject: Re: To all things new(open first to El Cartographer, then to anyone mentioned)   Mon Feb 23, 2009 3:21 am

After thinking for a while, el cartographer lifts his microphone to his mouth.

El cartographer: "Yeah, I'm gonna go now..."

El cartographer exits the ring, leaps over a security barrier, and wades through the crowd towards a side exit.
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PostSubject: Re: To all things new(open first to El Cartographer, then to anyone mentioned)   Wed Feb 25, 2009 10:35 pm

Mauler thinks for a second.

The Pittsburgh Mauler: "Oh, I get it now. Damien is jealous that I got a book deal and he didn't. Maybe he wants to show everyone he has a sensitive side since all we ever see is the darkness."

Sally leans over to speak into the mic.

Sally: "Why don't we have a poetry slam between you and Damien? That should settle things between the two of you."

The Pittsburgh Mauler: "That's a great idea Sally. I can see why they made you a publisher. Damien and I can each present a poem or two and the fans of UNWA can vote for the best poet. We can hold the poetry slam next Sunday night. I'll have to talk to Leon to see if we can hold the vote open until the PPV. At the PPV, Leon can come out an announce who the winner is to our loyal fans."

Mauler looks to the entrance ramp.

The Pittsburgh Mauler: "Well Damien, what do you say?"

ooc: Awaiting Damien's reply and also Leon's response (hopefully this is OK with you Leon)
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PostSubject: Re: To all things new(open first to El Cartographer, then to anyone mentioned)   Wed Feb 25, 2009 11:58 pm

Damien Darkness comes back out to address the Mauler.

"Poetry slam, you say? The idea is intriguing. The only problem that I have with this is the whole voting by the idiots you call fans. I don't think they have two brain cells to rub together to begin with and now you want them to decide which poetry is better? Not only is that unfair to me, since these poor excuses for humans already would vote for you strictly in a popularity contest, but it's extra unfair since they aren't smart enough to appreciate my superior intellect."

The Lord of Evil seems to ponder the idea for a minute.

"I want you to come up with a fairer way of voting on this poetry so that it doesn't become a silly popularity contest and will actually be judged on the merits of the poetry. Perhaps a panel of esteemed UNWA judges. I'll suggest Leon, Kaluani, and Snake. This should allow fairness and not have complete bias based strictly on our popularity with the idiot fans."

Damien Darkness waits for the Mauler's reply.

(ooc - back to you Mauler, or to Leon, or to whomever)
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PostSubject: Re: To all things new(open first to El Cartographer, then to anyone mentioned)   Thu Feb 26, 2009 12:09 am

The Pittsburgh Mauler: "I'm OK with that as long as Leon, Kaluani, and Snake agree to it. Usually, a poetry slam panel has 5 people on it, so that would leave the option of each of us selecting someone from the back to be on the panel. I haven't given any thought as to who I would invite, but if you agree to it, then I'll think about it and bring that person with me to the poetry slam."

Mauler waits for Damien's reply

ooc: Back to Damien or anyone else mentioned.
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PostSubject: Re: To all things new(open first to El Cartographer, then to anyone mentioned)   Thu Feb 26, 2009 12:17 am

Damien Darkness nods his head in reply.

"Agreed. Since you issued the challenge, I'll let you have the honor of talking to Leon, Kaluani, and Snake. Be careful, though. I've heard that Snake bites can be pretty nasty. Choose your extra carefully, though, since I'm probably going to bring along my Man-Beast as the 5th."

Damien Darkness laughs his patented maniacal laugh and wanders off into the darkness.

(ooc - Think we've closed this one out unless you have something to end it with, Mauler)
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PostSubject: Re: To all things new(open first to El Cartographer, then to anyone mentioned)   Fri Feb 27, 2009 10:41 pm

ooc: This is closed now unless Leon, Snake, or Kal want to add anything to it.
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PostSubject: Re: To all things new(open first to El Cartographer, then to anyone mentioned)   Fri Feb 27, 2009 10:42 pm

ooc - lol, a poetry slam! only in the UNWA! great stuff)
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PostSubject: Re: To all things new(open first to El Cartographer, then to anyone mentioned)   Sat Feb 28, 2009 11:42 am

ooc - Wonder if I should come out wearing glasses and a graduation robe and channel Lanny Poffo. Maybe I'll have a chance of winning, then.
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PostSubject: Re: To all things new(open first to El Cartographer, then to anyone mentioned)   Sat Feb 28, 2009 1:31 pm

ooc: Hmmm, if you channel Lanny Poffo, then I guess that leaves me to channel Heidenreich.
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PostSubject: Re: To all things new(open first to El Cartographer, then to anyone mentioned)   Sun Mar 01, 2009 4:09 pm

ooc - If that's true, then I've already won. Don't even bother showing up.
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